| Its been over two years since I last wrote an entry in this xanga. My life has changed so much. I don't truly expect that anyone will ever read this. Which actually might help me. I must pull from this brain all the crazy that has corrupted it, and put it into words So that I myself can move on away from it. I am in love, a love I won't admit to the person I love nor anyone else. But only when I'm alone do I say the words. I told her I was jealous, but I wasen't, I knew she was mine. I wanted to know her reaction..why... Because I had to know, I just had to know. It was important to me. I pushed her away, why, because I'm scared, so scared of becoming torn and sundered. She told me I was emotionally abusing her, perhaps I was, but I wasen't meaning to, I would become frightened for no reason, and defend myself, for no reason. But I can't tell her that, she must not know, she must think that I'm cold, so she can move on. God why am I doing this to myself....why can't I just get up the nerve to call her, to apologise. God why can't I cry and ask for forgiveness. Why have you cursed me with this pain. She made me so happy lord, but I didn't make her happy. At least I don't think I did. I may truly never know. People tell me to move on and I'll get over it, but I know I can't. If I could summon the courage to call her, Lord, I would tell her that I loved her with all my heart, and that I'll never stop loving her. I gave her my heart, and no matter how many times we would try to "start" over, I would still love her. If these words are never seen by anyone elses' eyes, that will be ok Lord. I"m sick of pretending to be confused with her, I know I love her and I want her back, but I love her enough to let go. I don't know what to do with my life Lord, I guess I'll just start by putting one foot...in front of the other, and see where it takes me, who knows where my path shall lead and whose paths I'll cross. |